Tips For An Effective Conversation

Detach From The Outcome

If you were ever in a situation where you’ve walked away from a conversation feeling drained or exhausted, chances are there was something you were attached to in the conversation. An attachment is:

• How a person relates with a behavior or another person that gives them some sense of self worth or purpose. • A way of trying to control the outcome of a conversation/situation.

The attachments to specific outcomes during a conversation consist of:

1. The need to be right/look good. (The avoidance of being wrong/looking bad/hearing no.)
2. The need to be understood or prove your point.
3. The need to have people agree with you.

• My Turn – Your Turn Communication: When the communication process becomes a struggle for power and control.

If you find that you are repeating yourself, pushing to get someone to see it your way or creating evidence to strengthen your side, you’re caught up in the ego of the situation.

Being attached to your own agenda inside a conversation:
• Limits the ability for a new or better possibility/solution/outcome to surface.
• Creates a filter in your listening that prevents others from contributing to you.
• Invalidates the other person by not respecting their point of view.

To Let Go Of Attachments During The Communication Process:

Demonstrate Trust And Respect. Instead of listening through a filter, allow yourself the ability to explore a new and possibly better way of creating your desired outcome by unlatching yourself from your own premeditated agenda. Consider that the other person’s solution may be better than your own. Accepting that you don’t always need to have all the answers will eliminate resistance and prevent you from feeling drained after a conversation.

Tip From The Coach: To detach from the outcome and tap into the wisdom of others, ask yourself:
• What is the value that the other person is trying to share with me?
• What better solution/possibility can we create together?
• How can I receive this message instead of resist it?
• How can I change the way I see/feel about things in a way that better serves me to eliminate feeling stuck, stressed or upset? (What beliefs do I need to let go of and replace with more empowering beliefs?)

• Am I resisting the lessons or receiving the lessons in front of me?

(What is needed to overcome/let go of the threat/fear that is keeping me stuck?)

Shift The Focus From I to You. Attachments are our agenda. Shift the focus away from you and onto the other person.

Ask Yourself: • What value can I give? (It all comes right back to us!)

Focus On The Present.
The three points in time; the past, present and the future. Sure we live in the present, but is that where we are truly living and responding to moment to moment? Consider that almost 80% of our time is spent either living in the past or in the future. (Ex: Reacting from a past experience or an expectation of the future.) Where is the focus of your energy and thoughts?

• Living In/Reacting To The Past: “If only I, (woulda, coulda, shoulda). “I should have done that because….. “I remember the last time something like this occurred. I’m sure it will happen again.”

In other words, we are responding to and “living in the past.”

Living In/Reacting To The Future: Trying to get somewhere/focused on an end result in the future. Examples:

• When I, once I, etc.

We often live, listen and react from the past or are pushing for something to happen in the future.

Highly effective leaders respond to and are fully living in the present.

To be fully present means you are able to focus on a single person, idea or topic. It means not having any preoccupations with the past or future. The past is gone, and we have NO control over the future.

Being fully present takes practice, effort, focus and a willingness to exclude all that is not directly relevant to what you are currently engaged in, especially while speaking with someone. Living in, responding to and thinking in the present, is both healthy and more productive. If you can practice this, the quality of your communication, as well as your life will greatly increase.

Tip From The Coach: What was and what will be never takes precedent over what is.

Any attachment is based either on the future or the past, with the focus on a result we are looking to create or avoid that has not even happened yet. An attachment is never about what is happening in the present.

Ask Yourself: Am I responding to/living in the present? (Am I focused on an anticipated future outcome in the conversation or stuck in the past with regrets/beliefs/events that are really not relevant to creating something new in the present?)

Once you open up your thinking and detach yourself from the outcome during a conversation with a customer:

1.You’ll notice your energy level will naturally increase.
2. You will experience less stress.
3. You will uncover new and greater possibilities/solutions naturally that you would otherwise miss out on without having to push for them.

Create Possibilities Rather Than Expectations Possibility: Something that may exist or happen, where an expectation is a hope or as we have discussed, an attachment. Look at a possibility as a choice where an expectation is a need.

When one is open to possibility, they are inspired to innovate, create and develop while being present in the moment. You feel a sense of choice in the pursuit of your goal. People who have expectations may not be okay with the present and need something more than what they have. In other words, you can either be gripped with a certain expectation about something; whether it’s having to sell, make your point or get someone to agree with you, or you can simply enjoy the possibility of creating a partnership with that person and providing value to them, without being attached to the outcome.

You know it is a possibility when it is fun and you can’t lose; it is an expectation when you are hurt if it doesn’t work out.

8 Ways to Find Out What Coworkers Earn

Trying to find out what your peers earn may seem like a morally reprehensible act, but it can also be a defensive move if you suspect your employer of pay discrimination.

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled that employees need to file discrimination complaints when they first receive lower pay (as opposed to when they finally realize they’re getting lower pay), women and other protected classes have a good reason to find out what their employer pays others to do the same job.

How far you’re willing to go depends on where you draw the line between your need to know and your coworkers’ right to privacy, says H. Keith Melton, author of The Spy’s Guide: Office Espionage as well as the more serious look at professional sneaks, Spycraft: The Secret History of the CIA’s Spytechs, from Communism to al-Qaeda, which goes into more detail on spying techniques.

Keeping what Melton said in mind, here are eight ways to find out what others earn, starting with the least morally reprehensible.

1. Check the Paperwork

If you work for the federal government, pay grades are published. If you work for a nonprofit, the salaries for high-level employees will be listed in the tax returns, often found online at GuideStar. Check the company intranet for salary ranges, as well as external Web sites and Monster for job postings that include salary.

2. Keep Your Eyes Peeled

Even the most timid employee can inadvertently stumble across salary data. People often leave ATM deposit envelopes on their desks and salary spreadsheets on the copy machine, says Roberta Chinsky Matuson, CCP, president of Human Resource Solutions.

3. Ask Your Coworkers

This is a great solution if you’re young enough to pull it off, says Annette O’Connor, president of Clearhead Consulting. Gen Y kids will just tell you what they earn, and they have no qualms about asking others about their pay, she says.

4. Talk to Your Boss

You can’t ask your boss what others make, but you can ask related questions. Try this one: “I’m making $35,000 now. What do I have to do to get to $45,000?” If no one is making $45,000, the boss will say so.

5. Ask a Recruiter

Recruiters know what a lot of people make. “Whether or not they’re willing to share this information with just any candidate is debatable,” says one recruiter who asked not to be identified. “But if you’ve got a long-term relationship, they’ll guide you as to what is market rate.”

6. Encourage Loose Lips

Take advantage of the fact that people love to talk about themselves, Chinsky Matuson says. If a peer buys a house, tell them you’d love to buy one, too, and add: “How much house do we qualify for?” as though you know he makes what you make so you both qualify for the same amount.

When a coworker drives a new BMW to work, ask if he leased it or bought it.

When a coworker complains about child support, try to get a number. If you know the state formula for minimum child support, you’ll have a minimum estimate of that person’s take-home pay.

When bonuses are passed out, ask: “What are you going to use yours for?” Is your peer buying a speedboat while you only got enough for a Speedo?

As you pry, know that some people lie, some people have generous parents, and some people save for big-ticket items or pay way more child support than the law requires.

7. Seek Advice

Pretend you’re trying to figure out your flexible spending account and ask a peer to explain how it works. “She’ll likely start out by saying, ‘Suppose you make $40,000,’ and without thinking, she’ll use the amount she makes,” Chinsky Matuson says.

8. Cultivate Those Who Know

Pry information from a work friend with access to salary data. “The boss’s secretary, the payroll assistant and anyone who puts together an annual budget knows what people make,” Melton says.

Before You Put Your Job on the Line

Melton knows other methods for uncovering salary secrets, but they go beyond what many would consider ethical and could cost you your job if you are caught. These include pretexting, for example, having a friend call your coworker pretending to be a headhunter to get salary info, and stealing the information.

While you can find tips on the Web and in books for both of these tactics, is finding out your colleagues’ salaries worth losing your own salary if you get caught?